Sunday, August 14, 2011

The Daunting Blank Page

The first post after a long hiatus from posts is the worst.  Its been so long! You expect so much!  This text box is so big and white and empty!  And what do I possibly have to say to you?

Honesty has been my utmost policy in writing and blogging thus far.  It seems, in fact, that my curse as a writer is that I actually can't help myself writing from a place of total honesty.  I foresee much embarrassment in my future.

So in playing by the rules, my only choice is to tell you, today, this:  I do not have it all together.  I am not always completely happy.  And lately I feel sad and burdened.

Notes on my sadness:
I get sad in my nostalgia.  In seeing how quickly things fly by.  I get sad in realizing that times have passed where I was plagued with worry so much that I missed the beauty of the moment.  I find sadness in the understanding that nothing is forever, change is inevitable, and what I love now will someday be in my memories.  I find sadness in the loss of loved ones, and the realization that loss will become a more frequent occurrence from here on out.  It's all short and extremely fragile... that's what I'm coming to know.  And so I find sadness in the dogged motherly worry that I can't help but feel over the most mundane things... because I'm scared of losing any single one of the the people I love, and I can't help but wear the uncool mask of nag over everyone's well-being.  In exchange, though, I want to buy a Vespa and not wear a helmet and submit myself to all the dangerous acts that I would throw a fit over if anyone else participated in.  A trade of concern for those who bring me joy, in exchange for that which defies my logic but thrills me in it's threat.

I feel sad sometimes that I can't do more.  I feel sad that I don't do more, give more, participate more, love more, party more, achieve more, experience more, a series of mores... that seems to be my sadness.  And I realize that these mores will exist no matter what... they exist even when Im pulling 20 hour days.  There always seems to be 'more' that I could be doing... and that is comforting, but also makes me sad.

I feel nostalgia (a form of sadness) already thinking about how I might look back on the days I am living right now.  None of us recognize or appreciate it the way we could... and we won't know until it's too late.  And that is no one's fault, it is just what happens.  It's so unfair.  Nostalgia is one of the most unfair emotions I've ever encountered.  And nothing to be done about it.  Just to keep breathing and living and believing in better days.

Notes on Burdens:
Burdens are fake but we live under them anyway.  If you are smart and awaken and enlighten yourself even a little bit, you start to recognize the falsity of burdens... YET, we live under them and always will. I have a theory that as much as we complain about being 'burdened', it is actually the gravity we choose in order to keep us grounded.

I am burdened by the passing of time (see: Notes on Sadness).  I am burdened by all the things I am not achieving, all the things I didn't accomplish by age 24, in order that I could proclaim myself to be an above average success.  In high school, being above average is actually relatively easy-  I studied hard and got the grade.  Done.  How do you define above average now?  I don't own a house or condo like some cohorts,  I don't own much of anything, in fact.  I still shop at Forever 21, and sometimes I pay my bills a few days late... and  I don't know where I'll be 6 months from now;  so what grade do I get?   I consider my path to be above average, well above average in fact... and only getting better.  I'll admit, though, when I pause and submit to the awful task of comparing myself to other friends my age, both in my field and otherwise, I cant help but feel burdened and behind in the game.

But I choose.     

I chose it and I choose it.  This life is mine, for better or for worse, I choose it.

I also feel burdened by my blessings.  Contradictory? Yes.  But true.  I find the best people always.  And yet I can't keep up with all of them.  I am always missing someone.  I always feel like some relationship is being neglected.  And I feel like I'm always saying goodbye to someone as I float in and out of the crazy seasons of my life.  Yet, I'm a mess and can't keep a calender and can't even keep up with face-to-face converstations sometimes... let alone texts and tweets and emails and phone calls.  I'm not trying to make excuses, Im confessing.  I have a real problem with 21st century living at times... and I think I need to ask for a little grace :)

All to say... clearly I have struggles all my own, as portrayed here, and many more- trust me.

BUT: I choose each day.  That is my new motto. Choose each day.  Wake up, and no matter what your circumstances are, you have the choice.  My choice is this;  "I choose to believe that I am going to live an incredible life with an incredible outreach."  Six mornings out of Seven  I don't really believe it.  I choose it anyway.  Even when Im pissed, even when I'm lonely, even when I think the world is screwed and I am screwed and it's all bullshit... even then- I choose.  Because you don't necessarily have to believe it with all your heart and being at the moment... you just have to choose it.

So yes... those are my notes on what it really feels like to live this life.  I am confused and concerned at times, and I live all the emotions.  We weren't meant to be plastic Buddha statues with perfect smiles painted on.  We were given the human experience as a gift.... and our gift back is to live it.  All of it.  It's funny, and sad, and large, and small, and full, and lonely, and beautiful... and heavy.  To live fully is heavy- that is why so few do.

Go all the way... it's heavy, but worth it.