Monday, February 6, 2012

Underdogs Always Win

Though this may seem to be off the topic of "Finding Home" I think it is exactly on target, because sometimes it is feeling the most out of place that forces you to zero in on your true self.

I cannot wait to raise my sons and daughters to be underdogs.  Now, I dont in any way wish upon them the insecurities, teasing, bullying and other mean bullshit that comes with that, the nonsense that I myself remember all too clearly from Junior High and High School, but to be honest- underdogs win in the end.

I wish every slightly nerdy, bullied, lonely kid in young adult education could be told and realize that they are probably being set up to be the luckiest of them all.  Because when you are an underdog you fight.  you get tough, you focus your energy on things more important than what you are wearing and who you are gossiping about... you focus on making things.  You focus on what you are passionate about and what you want to become.  You focus on making the world better for the poor underdog kid who is going to come behind you.

And when you make things, when you change things... you change the world.   You become amongst the most popular and influential of people and you win because you did it by being true to yourself.

Here's to the underdogs... throughout history they've almost always won and I like to think they always will.

Here's to the future leaders; they are laughed at now but they will be the last to laugh ;)

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Life in Transit

I will now attempt to write what should have been 1 million separate posts in one.  Wish me luck!

The past three months have proven a theory to me- you get what you give.  The hardest work reaps the greatest return.

The past three months proved to be some of the most challenging and equally rewarding, and I am full to the brim with happy, giddy excitement and a renewed faith in how wonderful this life is and how much there is left to be discovered and explored.

I am a travel-y person in so many senses of the word and the month of November proved to be the most travel-y of travel-y times in my life.  To live on a bus.  To find a sense of home and family in constant motion.  To wake up to a new environment and challenge each day, and yet still feel balanced and peaceful within the chaos... that was November for me.

I loved nearly every minute of being on tour.  I loved seeing new things and meeting new people every day.  I loved falling to sleep in my tiny little cubby, with 8 people within arms reach while the rumble of the bus driving through the night rocked us all into sedation.  I loved waking up and stumbling into sleepy-eyed friends while we waited on showers and fought for the last cup of coffee.  I loved feeling so close to so many people, while we were all so far from any form of home or familiarity.

Mostly, I loved surprising myself, and being surprised by the people that I thought I knew so well.  People change.  They grow.  How often do we actually allow it, though? I saw new strengths and weaknesses of myself on that trip, and saw my friends in new ways that made me smile and love the idea of change in a whole new way.

I was on a journey, and I loved being in transit.  I'm a person who has typically been impatient to get where I'm going; to arrive at the goal, accomplishment, destination with little tolerance for the time it takes to get there.  This time though, I came to love the adventure and the process.  I actually found peace in the process and acceptance of the fact that I had to adapt and learn daily, that I was not perfect, but the journey was teaching me to be better.

I learned that change is good.  It is one of the hardest things to go through, but it has the greatest pay off.

I learned that hard work is great, and the more you dig in the more you end up with in the end.

I don't think you could have told me even six months ago that in my lifetime I would direct and manage a national concert tour.  I don't think you could have told me that I would learn things like how to run a soundcheck, and how many mixes should be in the bands monitors, and how many monitors we need for that matter.  I don't think you could have told me that I'd be interacting with burly concert venue owners who wore gold chains and chain smoked and who came across intimidating and angry, but were actually usually very sweet and kind.  I certainly know I never expected to have found so much love from you, the readers, the fans.  A kind of support that is jaw-dropping and inspiring... and I thank you.

My New Year's Resolution this past year was to let life surprise me.  It certainly has.  I try to be a thankful person regularly, but I am abounding in gratitude for the wonderful adventure that I had this Fall, and the larger adventure that I am on each and every day.

The travels of finding a Home are really about finding yourself at home in your own skin.  From there, you are free to be anywhere.

The today-me is different and new from one year ago-me or 5 years ago-me, or even 3 months ago me.  I'm looking forward to meeting 1 year from now-me.  And I hope you all are looking forward to meeting future-you as well.

Change is good, friends.  Find peace within your life of transit.

Monday, October 3, 2011

A Happy Post

Here's to a Happy Post.  A time when I can mark a year passing and honestly offer a whole-hearted 'thank you, more please' to the whole vastness of it all.

To a year that is not synced with any calender year other than my own understanding and milestones.  To a year where I've learned just as much, if not more, than the year before and grown stronger too.  It all shows up so much different than we expect.

A happy post dedicated to the vision being clarified... my purpose being made crystal clear.  A happy post to friends and laughter and so many memories that we tend to forget the minute they are over- hopefully we'll come to relish and appreciate them in due time.

To the happiness of this past summer; bike rides on the water and sunsets and gardens and cooking and warm sun and clean beaches and feet in the sand and peace.

To the happiness of crisp autumn air coming through the cracked windows in the morning, and leaves changing colors into a masterpiece and the brief scent of bonfires in the air.  To new, warm sweaters and scarves and bundling up and cuddles and coziness.

To the happiness of massive undertakings that scare the crap out of us, but we do them anyway.  To drive and passion and walking straight into big fat fears.  To the happiest hope that we will always keep surprising ourselves

To the happiness of a travely girl, as I am, who hopes to accomplish so much on those 5-hr bus rides, yet manages only to stare out the window and dream.  To the happiness of traveling quite a bit, in fact... just as you said you would but never believed you could.

To the happiness of the next few months; whatever it may bring.  To the happiness of being ridiculously blessed, infinitely surprised.  To moving and shaking as only you and yours can.  And to freedom.

To the happiness of a vision bigger than you or I can dream.  To the happiness of a Promise.

To the happiness.. because we all deserve it, right?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Time is Never Wasted/ I Love You

First I just want to say thank you, thank you, thank you for all that have commented, emailed, messaged, tweeted, etc at me your praise and gratitude.  All my gratitude in return.  Though I can't always answer every word and message from you guys, you have no idea how your words of encouragement always seems to come exactly when I need them most!  Trust me, you all are and always will be a deeply important part of my life's journey... more than you probably know!

Time.  Time has been on my mind lately.  The passing of time.  The presence of time.  The anxiety over time slipping by.  Fear of waste.  Issues over timing.  Too much time.  To little time.  Time is on my mind.

I believe a Truth, though I may not know it as deeply as I could yet;  Time is never wasted.  Everything is redeemable, and its all intertwined and written by the same hand.

As free-spirited and zen as I proclaim myself to be, I had an agenda for my life, set into place years ago.  I might tell you that I live in the present, go with the flow, blah blah blah but the truth is I had and have an agenda that I have no right to have.  I decided that a life's worth was wrapped up in my ability to achieve certain things by certain dates with a certain success rate.  Never mind all of the incredible things that were happening in my life which I had never planned for.  Never mind the numerous blessings and surprises that trumped my 'agenda'.  I had made certain decisions about what my life should look like, and when it didn't look exactly like my humble little plans and dreams, I equated a certain degree of failure.

I also struggle with a 'now or never' sickeness: the belief that if I haven't gained financial security by now, its never going to happen.  Haven't found your perfect career fit yet?  All hope is lost.  Chose to wait on relationships/marriage/children?  Then your ship has sailed, those desires of your heart will never be fulfilled.

When I believe it, and when I don't, though- the same thing keeps coming to the surface:  Time is never wasted.

The only waste is in our worry... which is a substantial energy waste.  Your tomorrow will take care of itself, so why spend all of today's energy in worry for that?  Worry is not productive because it isn't planning.. it's simply speculation.  What if you spent that same energy caring for and considering others... anyone else who is even just a little worse off than you?  Or planning for your future, casting fears aside, rather than clouding your mind with fears and worries...?


The strange thing is;  when we stop considering ourselves, when we stop worrying about ourselves... amazingly we take care of and impact others, but also somehow our present issues and worries take care of themselves.  Two birds with one stone.  That's the Truth.

Has this 'blog' stayed even close to its theme?   Do you feel closer to Home?  Do I?  Yes and No.  I've learned much...yet have arrived nowhere.... How about you?

My most up-to-date philosophy is this:  Love. People.  Love them non-stop, no questions asked.  Love people, and fight for Gratitude and Forgiveness always.  The Truth is, sometimes you have to teach yourself to love and appreciate the greatest things in life... because you wont always catch it at first glance :)

Connected, and much Love to you all...

Sunday, August 14, 2011

The Daunting Blank Page

The first post after a long hiatus from posts is the worst.  Its been so long! You expect so much!  This text box is so big and white and empty!  And what do I possibly have to say to you?

Honesty has been my utmost policy in writing and blogging thus far.  It seems, in fact, that my curse as a writer is that I actually can't help myself writing from a place of total honesty.  I foresee much embarrassment in my future.

So in playing by the rules, my only choice is to tell you, today, this:  I do not have it all together.  I am not always completely happy.  And lately I feel sad and burdened.

Notes on my sadness:
I get sad in my nostalgia.  In seeing how quickly things fly by.  I get sad in realizing that times have passed where I was plagued with worry so much that I missed the beauty of the moment.  I find sadness in the understanding that nothing is forever, change is inevitable, and what I love now will someday be in my memories.  I find sadness in the loss of loved ones, and the realization that loss will become a more frequent occurrence from here on out.  It's all short and extremely fragile... that's what I'm coming to know.  And so I find sadness in the dogged motherly worry that I can't help but feel over the most mundane things... because I'm scared of losing any single one of the the people I love, and I can't help but wear the uncool mask of nag over everyone's well-being.  In exchange, though, I want to buy a Vespa and not wear a helmet and submit myself to all the dangerous acts that I would throw a fit over if anyone else participated in.  A trade of concern for those who bring me joy, in exchange for that which defies my logic but thrills me in it's threat.

I feel sad sometimes that I can't do more.  I feel sad that I don't do more, give more, participate more, love more, party more, achieve more, experience more, a series of mores... that seems to be my sadness.  And I realize that these mores will exist no matter what... they exist even when Im pulling 20 hour days.  There always seems to be 'more' that I could be doing... and that is comforting, but also makes me sad.

I feel nostalgia (a form of sadness) already thinking about how I might look back on the days I am living right now.  None of us recognize or appreciate it the way we could... and we won't know until it's too late.  And that is no one's fault, it is just what happens.  It's so unfair.  Nostalgia is one of the most unfair emotions I've ever encountered.  And nothing to be done about it.  Just to keep breathing and living and believing in better days.

Notes on Burdens:
Burdens are fake but we live under them anyway.  If you are smart and awaken and enlighten yourself even a little bit, you start to recognize the falsity of burdens... YET, we live under them and always will. I have a theory that as much as we complain about being 'burdened', it is actually the gravity we choose in order to keep us grounded.

I am burdened by the passing of time (see: Notes on Sadness).  I am burdened by all the things I am not achieving, all the things I didn't accomplish by age 24, in order that I could proclaim myself to be an above average success.  In high school, being above average is actually relatively easy-  I studied hard and got the grade.  Done.  How do you define above average now?  I don't own a house or condo like some cohorts,  I don't own much of anything, in fact.  I still shop at Forever 21, and sometimes I pay my bills a few days late... and  I don't know where I'll be 6 months from now;  so what grade do I get?   I consider my path to be above average, well above average in fact... and only getting better.  I'll admit, though, when I pause and submit to the awful task of comparing myself to other friends my age, both in my field and otherwise, I cant help but feel burdened and behind in the game.

But I choose.     

I chose it and I choose it.  This life is mine, for better or for worse, I choose it.

I also feel burdened by my blessings.  Contradictory? Yes.  But true.  I find the best people always.  And yet I can't keep up with all of them.  I am always missing someone.  I always feel like some relationship is being neglected.  And I feel like I'm always saying goodbye to someone as I float in and out of the crazy seasons of my life.  Yet, I'm a mess and can't keep a calender and can't even keep up with face-to-face converstations sometimes... let alone texts and tweets and emails and phone calls.  I'm not trying to make excuses, Im confessing.  I have a real problem with 21st century living at times... and I think I need to ask for a little grace :)

All to say... clearly I have struggles all my own, as portrayed here, and many more- trust me.

BUT: I choose each day.  That is my new motto. Choose each day.  Wake up, and no matter what your circumstances are, you have the choice.  My choice is this;  "I choose to believe that I am going to live an incredible life with an incredible outreach."  Six mornings out of Seven  I don't really believe it.  I choose it anyway.  Even when Im pissed, even when I'm lonely, even when I think the world is screwed and I am screwed and it's all bullshit... even then- I choose.  Because you don't necessarily have to believe it with all your heart and being at the moment... you just have to choose it.

So yes... those are my notes on what it really feels like to live this life.  I am confused and concerned at times, and I live all the emotions.  We weren't meant to be plastic Buddha statues with perfect smiles painted on.  We were given the human experience as a gift.... and our gift back is to live it.  All of it.  It's funny, and sad, and large, and small, and full, and lonely, and beautiful... and heavy.  To live fully is heavy- that is why so few do.

Go all the way... it's heavy, but worth it.


Friday, July 29, 2011

Someday Soon

I'll start with someone else's words... because usually others say it better than we can ;)

"Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart.  Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language.  Do not now look for the answers.  They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them.  It is a question of experiencing everything.  At present you need to live the question.  Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day." - Rainer Maria Rilke

I am in a place of questions, having to be happy enough with just that one half of the equation.   Reading backward, this project has covered a number of musings:  purpose, place, family, self- all tied into the over-arching theme of 'Home'.    It is all questions, though.  Sure, answers have come here or there, but the questions are usually the living part.  I'm starting to realize we live in the questions.  The answers- they are less fulfilling than we imagine.

The questions are moving tides.  Questions require that we have a 'quest' at hand... a journey.  They are alive and breathing.  They sweat and hurt and sometimes laugh and always feel, and feel deeply.  The 'quest'... the questions... they are the good parts.  We were taught to look for the answers though- and to find them as quickly as possible.

I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't crave more 'answers' in my life.  I'd also be lying, though, to say that I haven't found a new understanding of Faith in the 'questions'.   To know that this journey is intentional, important, and that time is never wasted- it is a gift worth all the uncertainty.

So.  Someday Soon... what?  Someday Soon I will have new answers and new questions.  A year ago I would have told you that by X&X date I would have achieved certain goals and answers and dreams.  Now I know that's not my place to say, because I am not the author of time.  Someday Soon- what will I have in that ethereal 'Someday Soon'?

Someday Soon I will have seen myself through any and all of the present challenges... and I will see how much stronger I am than I would have imagined at this present moment.

Someday Soon I will relish in time with friends and family who I feared I might lose... and I will see how the important people in life will never actually leave you.

Someday Soon I will see dreams realized that I hoped in faith for... but secretly believed would never come to fruition.  And in those moments I will see a faithfulness beyond what I could ever muster.

Someday Soon... I will still be me.  Maybe a different me.  Maybe a bigger me.  But still me.

Someday Soon I will still be standing.  And that is enough for tonight's peaceful sleep :)

All my love and hope for all your dreams, and peaceful sleeps~

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Falling In Love with the Little Things Again

I've been gone for awhile.  I know, I know.  I could give you a million reasons and yet no reason at all... simply put- I've been present elsewhere.

I think there is this strange thing that happens continually through life, in seasons it comes, where we are called to face ourselves past, present and future.  Where we are asked to step in front of the mirror and given permission to say "wait a minute... that doesn't look like me at all!"

I've been in one of those seasons lately and it has been marvelous darlings; simply marvelous.

There are all these pieces of each of us that make us whole, make us unique.  We are all just mosaic hearts. Broken sea glass mixed with polished pebbles.  Perfect parts and fractured parts- some shiny, some rusted... some just in need of attention.  If we allow it, these parts fit together perfectly.  Most of the time, though, we ignore one thing or another, we beg for certain parts to be taken away, we hide in fear or shame.

So I looked in the mirror one day and realized I only recognized half of the face staring back at me.  I saw a writer and an actor and a director in desperation for a show.  I saw a 20-something with heavy goals and weighty ambitions, a small budget and a big vision.  I didn't, though, see a person.  A lovely and love-able gal.  A complex and interesting soul.  I didn't see any of the person I felt myself to be on the deepest level.  And I wanted to find her again.

So I've been falling in love with the little things.  Learning to be present in the small moments.  Finding joy in watering my little tomato plants in the morning, and cooking for friends in the evening.  Riding my bike to the farmer's markets in between.  Redecorating my space so that it actually looked like me (I've been living a lie with my bedroom decor over the past 8 months!).

I've remembered that I love to paint and do art projects with full permission to be bad, and full permission to hang them on my walls anyway.  I've remembered how much I love those farmer's markets and fresh, real foods.  My inner hippie crunchy goddess is loud and proud.  The head scarves are back as a staple of my wardrobe.  My dreams of the farm/cafe/bar/art center that I've talked about for years are back and forming new visions and shapes daily.

I'm assured now of my ultimate belief that people come first, and are the center of everything for me.  I smile in the morning as the sun streams in my bedroom window and I give a humble 'thank you' for all the incredible families of people I've been blessed with so far, and so many yet to come- briefly hinted to me in outlines and vaporizing images.  Promises; teaching me to be patient and dwell in as much peace as I can muster, because good things are always on the way.

So, fellow travelers and wanderers, that is where I stand on this journey I've found myself on.  I've discovered deeper meanings of family over the past few months, as we've seen.  I've delved into past memories.  I've felt my way through all the changing relationships around me until I found myself in the place I am in now, facing the most challenging relationship of them all; the one you have to figure out with yourself- past present and future reconciled to one another.

So far, this has been my favorite part of the trip :)

**Happy Lists from the Journey Thus Far**

-My garden
-Morning coffee & meditation/prayer
-Madeleine Peyroux
-Old '40s classics
-Norah Jones
-Riding the bike
-Farmers Markets
-Moroccan Lanterns
-Cooking for friends
-Family.  Immediate, extended, all of them
-Chopping herbs
-Holding babies that aren't mine
-Waking up early
-Breathing.  And feeling a peace that I don't know I've ever felt before.

That last line is so true.  I've been more peaceful over the past few weeks than I can ever remember being, and it makes no sense in certain circumstances.  But its real.  And feels so good.

Falling in love with the little things.  That is the chapter I am in on this little jaunt.  We'll see what comes next ;)