I've been gone for awhile. I know, I know. I could give you a million reasons and yet no reason at all... simply put- I've been present elsewhere.
I think there is this strange thing that happens continually through life, in seasons it comes, where we are called to face ourselves past, present and future. Where we are asked to step in front of the mirror and given permission to say "wait a minute... that doesn't look like me at all!"
I've been in one of those seasons lately and it has been marvelous darlings; simply marvelous.
There are all these pieces of each of us that make us whole, make us unique. We are all just mosaic hearts. Broken sea glass mixed with polished pebbles. Perfect parts and fractured parts- some shiny, some rusted... some just in need of attention. If we allow it, these parts fit together perfectly. Most of the time, though, we ignore one thing or another, we beg for certain parts to be taken away, we hide in fear or shame.
So I looked in the mirror one day and realized I only recognized half of the face staring back at me. I saw a writer and an actor and a director in desperation for a show. I saw a 20-something with heavy goals and weighty ambitions, a small budget and a big vision. I didn't, though, see a person. A lovely and love-able gal. A complex and interesting soul. I didn't see any of the person I felt myself to be on the deepest level. And I wanted to find her again.
So I've been falling in love with the little things. Learning to be present in the small moments. Finding joy in watering my little tomato plants in the morning, and cooking for friends in the evening. Riding my bike to the farmer's markets in between. Redecorating my space so that it actually looked like me (I've been living a lie with my bedroom decor over the past 8 months!).
I've remembered that I love to paint and do art projects with full permission to be bad, and full permission to hang them on my walls anyway. I've remembered how much I love those farmer's markets and fresh, real foods. My inner hippie crunchy goddess is loud and proud. The head scarves are back as a staple of my wardrobe. My dreams of the farm/cafe/bar/art center that I've talked about for years are back and forming new visions and shapes daily.
I'm assured now of my ultimate belief that people come first, and are the center of everything for me. I smile in the morning as the sun streams in my bedroom window and I give a humble 'thank you' for all the incredible families of people I've been blessed with so far, and so many yet to come- briefly hinted to me in outlines and vaporizing images. Promises; teaching me to be patient and dwell in as much peace as I can muster, because good things are always on the way.
So, fellow travelers and wanderers, that is where I stand on this journey I've found myself on. I've discovered deeper meanings of family over the past few months, as we've seen. I've delved into past memories. I've felt my way through all the changing relationships around me until I found myself in the place I am in now, facing the most challenging relationship of them all; the one you have to figure out with yourself- past present and future reconciled to one another.
So far, this has been my favorite part of the trip :)
**Happy Lists from the Journey Thus Far**
-Morning coffee & meditation/prayer
-Old '40s classics
-Riding the bike
-Cooking for friends
-Family. Immediate, extended, all of them
-Holding babies that aren't mine
-Waking up early
-Breathing. And feeling a peace that I don't know I've ever felt before.
That last line is so true. I've been more peaceful over the past few weeks than I can ever remember being, and it makes no sense in certain circumstances. But its real. And feels so good.
Falling in love with the little things. That is the chapter I am in on this little jaunt. We'll see what comes next ;)