"...Beauty and terror. Just keep going. Nothing is final." -Rainer Maria Rilke
Today I was walking around my neighborhood, the weather slightly warmer and giving a hope that Spring might be upon us. A mist in the air, and I was immediately taken back to so many Spring seasons of the multitude of lives I feel I've lived.
I time-traveled back to a day about a year ago, walking through the park near my Brooklyn apartment, a slight drizzle in the air that I ignored because I needed to walk. I was scared and confused and somewhat lonely at that time, but I can remember how walking through that park gave me a bit of peace, a little slice of hope.
Flashing back even farther I could see the scape of my college campus, as seen through the window of a coffee shop that gave me so much sanctuary over four years. I saw every season of every year from the same seat in that humble coffee shop. And I can remember one particular day where winter was beginning to turn to spring, and my time on the campus seemed to be hurtling toward a close faster than I cared to accept.
A few years before and I was in a car with my best friend in High School, driving through back roads and scouring for patches of newly blooming daffodils, our favorite flower to snatch and run with... petty thievery that brought us joy and comfort. I was probably upset about a boy, and she as well. We were scared of what was coming for us, what we were going to become... and most of all- would we stay friends as life moved us forward?
All of these moment wrapped up in the sense memory of a changing season and a hint of rain. Hours later, as I sat on the kitchen floor of the house filled with my friends and partners in crime, laughing comfortably and without pretense, I realized that it all turns out ok. Every memory is now a glowing piece of me, devoid of any worry because the things I worried about always turned out just fine. A new sense of Home dropped into me... a greater sense of faith in life's unwavering intent to take you where you are meant to be, and bring you to the things you truly deserve.
To live within the entire timeline of your entire life... maybe that is the utmost of noble pursuits. That within each moment I possess my present, my past, and my future too. To be at home within the entire span of my life.